Friday, 11 May 2007

"Uh...Hello...Poison Control? It's Me Again..."

This morning I was quickly doing the dishes from jay's last night Japanese feast (homemade miso soup, homemade gyoza dumplings..) when i heard something that made my heart jump. The sound of silence coming from the front room. Normally there is the clatter and bang of Egg trashing his toys, overturning the glass coffee table, putting on the telly, shoving dvd's into the player...that kind of thing. I also am trained to listen out for the accompanying happy gurgling of Noah - or in extreme cases the wail that follows a surprise attack from Egg. But when i heard the silence i dropped the pot i was scrubbing and tore into the front room to witness Egg standing over Dumpie with oven cleaner spray in one hand and a wet cloth in the other. Dumpies head was wet and his face too, and Egg was just gearing up for another go.

"Egg what are you doing?!" I yelled, snatching the spray and cloth and surveying Dumpies usual adoring, upturned face.

"I am cleaning Dumpie Dumps Mama" Eggie replied, as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

"URGHHHH!!! You could kill him you know if he swallows any of that!" I retorted (Yes, i have sunk to the level of trying to reason with a not even three year old..and failing miserably)

"But Dumpie is dirty Mama" Egg stubbornly refuted, staring up innocently at me.

Yes, this was true. Dumpie did look a bit worse for wear and a little grubby it had to be said. But OVEN CLEANER?? Not even your common window cleaning fluid, but hardcore oven cleaner known for its power strength grime removing properties! Was poor little Noah's skin going to peel off? Would he develop a horrendous rash? Had he ingested any of it orally? Was I a bad parent?

All these thoughts competed for my attention in my frazzled brain as I hurriedly srubbed Dumpies cheeks in the sink and gently wiped his wee head. Basically from now on I must forego my domestic duties and concentrate on my main job at hand, which is Official Bodyguard for Noah Dylan Miller.

Egg shows no signs of letting up in his quest to remove Dumpie from the vicinity, and has already stated on three separate occasions that Dumpie should go back into Mama's tummy and not come out again. Yesterday Auntie Ba heard a wail from upstairs and ran up to find that Ollie had been smacked abruptly awake by Egg, the proof being a lingering red handprint on his face and an immediate confession from Egg.

He almost takes delight in confessing his crimes, and if you call down and ask him what he's doing at any given time, you are likely to hear, "Nothing Mama", which means you better get the hell down and see what he's up to. It might by the contents of your wallet being dumped ceremoniously in the bin, or your bubblegum stash being chewed deliberately piece by piece, or the fridge being arranged into toppling towers of produce, or impromptu fingerpainting with apple juice on the kitchen floor, or all the carpets in the flat being rolled up and stacked in a giant pile in the middle of the room.

Whatever it is, Egg can do it in record time (the length of time it takes to answer a phonecall, brush my teeth, visit the loo, you name it). Like the mutating Jurassic Park dinosaurs, he is adapting to his environment with lightening speed, and getting smarter, faster and more lethal day by day.

However he's also getting more charming, and as anyone knows, that is the most lethal combination of all. The spirit of a naughty imp contained within the cherubic countenance of an angel.

World watch out. You've been warned.

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