Picture this. It's 2:30am and you're deep in sleep...dreaming of Krispy Kreme Donuts or sipping champagne in a giant jacuzzi . You are woken with a start by your husband leaping up and shouting,
"What the HELL?!"
Thinking you are about to be butchered in your bed you sit up dazed as he flicks on the light, and there in front of you is a stark naked child holding a nappy full of poo over your bed and looking like a goblin out of Lord of the Rings. Realising that this was in fact real, and not a result of having ingested too much cheese before bed, i covered my nose and gagged as the smell overpowered my senses and Jay jumped up grabbing our dazed naked son and cursing. (I've heard of sleep walking, but 'sleep-pooping'??)
As a measure of how out of it i am these days, in the twenty minutes or so which it took Jay to clean up Egg, dispose of the poo (which had unfortunately been smudged in part on our clean white sheets during the fracas) and deposit the newly pajama'd toddler back in his bed...i had managed to pretty much doze off again.
Jay of course was horrified at having been woken up so hideously with sight of poo mere inches from his face, and was still quietly cursing as he got back into bed. He made me so restless that we couldn't sleep for a little while, and the stench was still so strong.
"Do you think i got it all?" he asked.
"I dunno. It stinks..." I mumbled incoherantly. Our room did smell pretty bad, but I was soooo tired and hoped I'd drift off regardless. My how the mighty fall.
I then heard the sound of Jay's bedside lamp being clicked on and moments later a shriek the likes of which could have woken the dead.
"HOLY _____!" he yelled. "You've got to have a look at this!"
I sat up, leaned over and my jaw dropped as we identified not one but two giant pillars of poo poo, perched defiantly on the top of Jay's beloved black work bag. (The fact that Jay's smack in the middle of trying to secure a job at the moment wasn't lost on either of us. It was as if the fates were truly conspiring to keep him unemployed and part of the 'Cappucino Club' for eternity.)
I won't bore you with the details which followed, but it was evident that my husband has been scarred for life by this episode. He didn't even crack a smile when i fed his favourite diatribe to me back over to him.
"But it's just a normal bodily function Jay. There is nothing disgusting about poo."
Suffice it to say he was not amused, and has worn the tragic look of a survivor all day. We are both petrified to go to bed tonight. Will there be another nightly visitation? Will Jay and Natasha ever resume their cozy sleeps in the comfiest bed in the world? Stay tuned....
P.S. I promise that this poo-themed trilogy will stop as of today. Even if we awake to find the entire flat covered in the stuff, i promise not to bore/horrify you all with the details. Enough is enough. Poo is poo. (Unless of course it's shoved in your face while asleep).