Tuesday, 15 March 2011
"Making Friends With The Neighbours"
This morning we were kicked out (sorry, 'escorted out') of the public library by a curmudgeonly old man...a security guard who (almost literally, i swear) snarled at Dumpie as he sort of 'flushed' us out the sliding glass doors - shooing us out with his liver-spotted hands like so much bad rubbish.
I was so horrified I couldn't even put on my 'how dare you' face and defend my youngest son, for truthfully, I had been unsuccessful in my earlier attempts to catch said four year old as he whipped up and down the aisles, laughing with glee and freaking out pensioners, imploring me to catch him. It didn't help that I wasn't wearing contacts and had only dark prescription specs on, which were propped up on my head in an effort to not try and appear as though I thought I was some kind of a rockstar or something. I could barely see him and yet strangely I was aware of every eye in the vicinity on me.
Three times we (and by 'we' I mean, inadvertently 'me') were publicly told off and cautioned, and were basically cased by the security guard the entire time we were there. He was practically breathing down our necks. (Truth be told he was a mean old grinch of a fella but still...it wasn't completely unjustified I suppose...I guess 'redistributing' the hundreds of dvds in the adult section in an attempt to locate Winnie The Pooh didn't make Dumpie any friends...or maybe it was the impromptu game of hide and seek through the shelves??)
At any rate, just when I thought it couldn't get worse, we arrived back home, and stepped into a lift with a biker type fellow who was sporting a longish grey beard and apparently some rather squiffy armpits.
Dumpie immediately made a big show of plugging his nose and staring disgustedly up at this man as we climbed nine flights, and I found myself wanting to convulse with laughter and also simultaneously die of embarrassment. He refused to unplug his nose and thankfully Egg was there to engage him in friendly chit-chat (something his father also excels at) while I willed the lift to move faster before the man noticed. (Who am I kidding...he totally clocked Dumps.)
When we finally exited, Egg still chattering away to the fellow as the door closed on him and he continued up, I asked Dumpie why he had plugged his nose.
"Because that man had a bad smell and it was making me sick."
During dinner, as my father and I tried to pretend like there was nothing wrong with the fact that Dumpie was sat astride Eggie, riding him like a cowboy around the coffee table, I idly wondered when the husband was coming back.
When he does...I'm outta here. Time to reboot the motherboard...time to download a more recent version of mothering software. Seriously.